


Fun

by Shay_Nioum



Series: Intrulogical (Logan/Remus) [8]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Depressive Episode, Failed Suicide Attempt, Logan Angst, Logan has depression, M/M, Remus is a bit weird, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 06:27:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20304943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shay_Nioum/pseuds/Shay_Nioum
Summary: ‘Have you ever thought about dying?’ The words flowed in one ear and out the other, ‘Going to sleep and never waking up?’ The words felt warm, warmer than the current coldness of his bedroom, warmer than the chill that seemed to sink into his very core chilling him to the bone.What if… what if he-





	Fun

Logan’s fingers drummed incessantly on the tabletop of his desk as he looked over to Remus, who was currently in the process of ripping the soles off of his boots and trying to gnaw on them like a savage dog. He wasn’t even sure as to how the creative side had even gotten into his room, he had just woken up at his desk to the sound of the duke doing whatever he was doing. He would have told him to leave, to get out and never come back in here, but… he didn’t. He was so tired. He couldn’t help but to stare, that sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that he’d had ever since waking up was ever-widening as his mind sank. He couldn’t help it, at this point it was almost the norm for him as all of the other noises outside of his bedroom becoming nothing more than a faint rumbling hum of static. He felt almost boneless, that feeling of being detached from his body, like a puppet cut loose from just a few of his strings. Even the sensation of his fingertips drumming against the wood of his desk, became nothing more than a muted sensation across his skin. Logically he knew that both of these things weren’t very good, and both of them were indicative of a worsening depressive spiral that he needed to get situated or else. 

Or else…

_‘Have you ever thought about dying?’_ The words flowed in one ear and out the other, _‘Going to sleep and never waking up?’_ The words felt warm, warmer than the current coldness of his bedroom, warmer than the chill that seemed to sink into his very core chilling him to the bone. 

What if… what if he-

“What are you doing dork?” Remus’ slobbery sole slapped against Logan’s knees, as the creative side scuttled over to him like some demented bug human hybrid. “If you take a picture it’ll last longer, and if you take a picture make sure it’s of me naked. That is my strong suit.” Remus grinned like a shark with a piece of tattered leather hanging from the side of his mouth, “So which pose should I strike? Bent over? Spread-out? Or maybe balls d-”

“Remus,” Logan quickly cut off, forcing those horribly lewd images from his head, “How would you like to have a little fun?” 

The clueless stare of the creative side soon morphed into a savage smile that showed off way too many teeth. 

“Fun?” Remus grinned, the light of Logan’s desk lamp eerily illuminating his eyes in a hellish shade of green that would have made even the worst demons of mankind run screaming for the hills. Luckily Logan wasn’t one of those demons, and he knew exactly how to handle this. “What kind of fun are we talking about here?” Remus clasped Logan’s knees tightly leaning up so that their noses were brushing against one another, his mustache tickled Logan’s upper lip. 

It was working, thank god. “I need you to distract the Patton and the others for me. Deceit included, do you think that you can do that?” The unspoken challenge rang with an air of confrontation, it was the kind of thing that someone like Logan or Deceit would have seen coming a mile away for what it was, a dare that could only end badly for just about everyone but Logan. Luckily for him, this was Remus they were talking about, and the mere prospect of a challenge was something that he knew the creative side wouldn’t be able to deny, after all, Roman was just the same albeit a little bit quicker to action. Whether Remus liked it or not, he and Roman were very much the same. 

Remus’ pupils blew wide open, the black eclipsing the stormy grey of his eyes. “All of them?” He asked, his muscles clenching and unclenching with the strength that it took him to remain in place and not go running off right away to cause chaos. “I can do whatever I want to distract them? Anything?” The creative side eagerly licked his lips, his gaze darting all over the logical side’s face as if searching for a lie that would get him into trouble, or worse… he saw nothing, nothing but an open honesty that Logan had always been known for having. He was… telling the truth, Remus could have his fun. He could have his fun with the others and.. and...

Logan’s hand clasped the back of Remus’ neck, making the creative side wiggle excitedly against the logical side’s legs. “Aside from killing them or physically and mentally hurting them, you may do whatever that rotten heart inside you chest desires.” Logan’s half-lidded eyes stared numbly back into Remus’ as his voice took on a cold edge that only made the creative side wiggle, even more, he may not have known what was going one, but he was eager to get things underway. “Anything.” Logan whispered, his cool minty breath washing over Remus’ face, “Deal?” 

Remus honestly wasn’t sure if he had ever been so excited over something like this. Here, was a “light” side, offering him something that Deceit had only offered when he was at the end of his ropes, a side who knew full well what he was capable off when their dear logic wasn’t around. He could have cared less about the reasoning behind Logan asking this of him, he wanted to play and he wanted to have his fun regardless of who it was with. 

Remus’ fingers slid through Logan’s silky soft hair that had been pushed back out of his eyes, gripping it tightly he smacked Logan’s lips against his. Their teeth rattled against each others, leaving Logan to let out a surprised gasp just seconds before Remus’ tongue swept across his lips, his teeth, and the tongue that tasted so spectacularly of sweetness and mint. “Deal.” He snarled against the logical side’s lips, before biting down precisely once and moving back to stand on his feet. It was an action that left behind a deep red mark, his mark for everyone and their mother to see. Logan had taken HIS deal, not Deceit’s, not Roman’s, and most certainly not the sour sack of a traitor Virgil’s. It made a strange flush of possessiveness rush through his bloodstream, possessiveness and… something warmer that he wasn’t quite so certain enough to put a name to yet. But it didn’t hide the fact that Logan had his deal, his mark. 

HIS. 

Logan was his now.

Just the thought of it sent pleasant shivers all the way down to his southern regions, he did so wish that he could stay behind and pepper Logan’s stupidly beautiful face with more marks under the collar of that stupid shirt and tie. But… a deal was a deal after all, and he was nothing if not honest. Honest to the very end no matter what. He didn’t need Logan to tell him why he was doing this, or why he even wanted it in the first place. It wouldn’t matter in the end, not to either of them. 

“I’ll be sure to see you later darlin,” He smirked shamelessly, neither of them quite knowing what the other meant. But nevertheless, the lighting of Logan’s room casting a dark shadow on his face lighting his eyes up like exploded Christmas lights, and just like that he was gone. Gone to wreak havoc on the others, for as long as he could. Or until he figured out just why Logan wanted them distracted in the first place, then… well, then Logan was certain that Remus would be none too pleased with him. 

That was if he figured it out before Logan could go through with it. 

With a heavy sound of exhaustion, Logan sank down into his desk chair, slumping in a rather un-serious fashion for someone who wore a necktie. Resting his head in his hands, a deep miserable sigh left the logical side’s lips as he raked his fingers through his hair, touseling the mess that Remus had already made of it. He wanted nothing more than to curl up under his desk and to take a nap that would last a lifetime, not waking up for anyone that came to his door nor for anyone that happened to get inside of his room. Exhaustion clung to him, honey to a guilty bear’s paw after swatting down a bee’s nest. He was so… so… 

“I’m so tired,” He whispered, it was almost pathetic how his voice broke with those three words, and how the tears welling up in his eyes didn’t seem to have a single cause behind it. He was just tired, his very soul ached and burned to finally get some rest, to finally be able to sleep and not have to wake up and face the same thing over and over again. He longed to be.. to be there, but not sentient. He didn’t want to have this stupid form anymore, he didn’t want to have to worry about showing up and having whatever he said disregarded. He didn’t want to BE, and that was the real kicker wasn’t it. 

_“We lost another one,” Patton muttered over breakfast, away from Virgil’s ears and away from Roman’s prying eyes. “Another one of the others went into the subconscious, we’ll have to start locking it up if any more of them decide to go back like that. Thomas needs as many sides present and speaking as he can get, wouldn’t you agree?” _

_“Are we sure that is wise?” Logan had questioned, leaning against the counter as he did. “What if they is an emergency? What if one of us should need to get into there in order to retrieve a side, or-” _

_Patton’s hand patted his shoulder kindly, that smile being the kind of smile that wouldn’t know many of the things that were to come. The smile that wouldn’t know of the things that Logan would do or try years in the future. It was a smile that had known nothing about how bad things would get for the logical side or the places he would go in order to do what needed to be done. It was a smile of pure innocence, and back then, Logan hadn’t understood the pang of guilt he’d felt so squarely in his chest. A pang of guilt that rang all throughout him, and left him wondering why he had even felt it in the first place. _

_“Don’t worry!” Patton chirped, “We’ve both got a key to-”_

Logan’s hand searched the underside of his desk, ripping the key free from where he had taped it there all those years ago. It was a dull silver, with just the tiniest hint of rust on the very end of it, he could feel it, if he rubbed his fingers against it. Both the rust and the sharp teeth at the end that was only meant for one thing and one thing only. To unlock the subconscious, a place, that to this very day… no side had ever come back from once they had been reabsorbed into Thomas’ consciousness. It was a place that Logan too didn’t plan on coming back from either, not if he could help it. He’d be damned if he came back from there alive, the only way he would… was kicking and screaming the entire way. He was enough of an adult to admit to that, whoever found him, he wouldn’t make it easy on them no matter how well he knew them. 

Downstairs, a scream alerted Logan to the fact that Remus had just started his assault, that and the terrifyingly loud laughter that rang from the creative side’s mouth as loud crash soon followed. A part of Logan felt guilty for leading Remus into the deal that he did, because… had the deal been for literally anything else, he would have looked forward to Remus coming back and.. and the things that would follow afterwards. Because despite what the others thought… he didn’t hate Remus, how could he when the wild side was the only person to make him feel that spark of warmth that he hadn’t felt in such a long time? 

Nevertheless, he stood up. Leaving his written letters on his desk for the others to find before his room would vanish for good. There wasn’t much that he could have written that would explain anything, that could give the others the apologies that they would want, but… he had tried to fit everything in without it seeming too dull and boring for them to read. 

Giving his room one last look Logan said his silent goodbyes as he closed the door behind him.

As slowly as he took it though, as much as he tried to drag it out he was in front of the locked-up door before he even knew it. The chains were thick as they laid over the darkly stained wooden door, chains that had kept out an entire generation of dark sides from biting the dust when they felt too ignored for their own good, chains that.. that had condemned them to fade instead of peacefully going when they had felt like it. Before him, was something that Logan had helped lock up, for no other reason than because Patton had told him to do so. He had listened though, he had listened for almost fifteen years, until today. 

The key felt heavy in his hand, like it weighed an entire ton rather than what it actually did. 

He was so tired of holding it.

Of holding on in general. 

He was tired. 

Tired. Tired. Tired. 

That would soon be over soon, as he fiddled with the latch slipping the key neatly into place without a sound. The gears in the lock itself groaned, like it was an ancient thing coming to life once again, or maybe it was like a dying thing exhaling one last breath before finally dying. Was he really going to do this? To give up? On Thomas, on Patton and the others, on… himself? For a moment he hesitated, the key remaining inside the lock, ready to open the door and let whoever wanted to walk into it. Be that Logan or.. or someone else entirely who wanted to go back to being the way that they were before. No. Logan roughly shook his head, he’d lock the door behind him so that Patton still had the only means to enter if he wanted to, it would be better this way. So that nobody could follow him, nobody could stop him, so that nobody could make him think twice about what on earth he was doing standing here let alone dying here. 

It would be best if nobody could stop h-

“You could have told me I’d be coming back to an empty room, at least make it a little easier.” Pain slammed into Logan’s side, or rather Remus’ morning star did, with the sharp spikes digging into his ribs and in turn slamming him into the wall forcing him away from the door. Remus… He looked furious, furious in a way that Logan had never seen. “What on earth were you thinking?!” He snarled, his lips curled back as he bared his teeth at the stunned logical side. “You’re just going to leave?! To vanish like you never existed in the first place? How could you do that? To them, to Thomas, TO ME!” He roared, and it was only now that Logan’s mind pieced together the messy stains dripping down Remus’ cheeks, his makeup a complete mess. “Why?” Remus didn’t bother to look ashamed as he sobbed the word out, his morning star falling by their feet as he gripped Logan’s shirt tight thumping him firmly against the wall. “Why?!” 

His face was no more than an inch away from Logan’s, but the door was a good foot away from the both of them. So close, and yet… he didn’t want to leave like this. Leave without giving some semblance of answers to the side who was openly weeping in front of him. 

“I’m tired,” He honestly said, seeing no reason to lie, not now. However, with just those few words, it was like a dam had been destroyed inside of Logan. Because for the first time… he was being honest with how he felt about himself. “I’m so tired Remus, and I don’t even know why. I wish I did, at least then something would make sense and I could try to fix it, to fix me, but… I’m just so tired, some days I don’t even feel like me. I feel like a walking simulation that nobody can tell from the real thing.” He wasn’t crying, he wasn’t. “I know what else to do!” Logan’s fist thumped against Remus’ chest, as if that would force him back, as if that would ensure that he could make a running start for the door. 

He didn’t want to run though, it was like speaking those words, or rather shouting them, had sucked all the energy right out of his limbs. So the only thing he could do was sink down to his knees as soon as Remus stepped back. The thoughts in his mind buzzed like busy bees, at least until he felt Remus settling in next to him, his warm hand forcing the logical side’s head onto his shoulder. 

There was a quiet moment between them, a nice moment. 

“I don’t know much about fixing things,” The creative side mumbled into Logan’s hair, “I’m usually the one breaking things beyond repair, so I don’t know what to say or really what to do. I’m usually chaos incarnate, throwing people off their game. But what you did…” Remus thickly swallowed, he didn’t want to admit it, but as soon as he had sensed the door opening with all of the others in his sight, he had felt duped, he hadn’t known what to do for once in his life. He felt… lost, and even more so when he had arrived back to Logan’s room to see nothing. At that moment, he was sure that he had gone through the stages of grief backwards. “I don’t know how to help,” He whispered, laying his arm over Logan’s back, “But let me help?” 

“.... okay.” 

The silence stretched between them a moment longer, as Remus ran his fingers through Logan’s hair, playing with the ends of them until both his and the logical side’s sniffling finally settled down. Remus could almost guarantee that his face was a mess of bleeding eyeshadow and mascara, but that hardly mattered now, and he had always shown his face wearing much much worse than some dodgy makeup skills. He wasn’t the best at this kind of thing, Virgil had almost never come to him for his panic attacks and Dee had never visited him when he spiraled. But… he could always try, deal or no deal, this was more important than finishing it. 

Starting with that damned key. 

“Come on,” He nudged the other side so that he was sitting up, “You’re going to come with me,” He carried on even as Logan quirked an eyebrow at him, his mind most likely venturing back to their open deal. “One time I had the urge to stab my fingertips with needles until my fingernails fell off, and I almost did it. Until Dee vanished every single needle in our place, as well as your place. He eliminated my options of hurting myself, so we’re going to destroy that key together, okay?” Dusting himself off, Remus stood up locking the door to the subconscious before slipping the key into his pocket. Holding his hand out to Logan, he let the jagged smile carve its way onto his lips. “Ready?” 

Glancing between his hand and the duke, Logan paused for a second. He didn’t feel ready, in fact… he still wanted to do it, he still wanted to take the jump of the subconscious, he still.. he still wanted to let himself fade into Thomas’ mind to stop existing. Would he ever really feel better? Would he ever stop feeling the way that he did? 

He doubted it… after all, Thomas still had his anxiety even after coming to terms with it. 

But… he could still eliminate his options just as Remus had said. He could still make it harder for him to take that jump, to end everything once and for all. He could still make it as hard as he possibly could.

“Yeah,” The logical side finally said, slipping his hand into Remus, making their way back to his kingdom. 

Maybe not to a perfect happy ending, it was illogical, but… to one where he would survive each and every day until he didn’t need to. 


End file.
